You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
I think not having bongs in close range is good for my academia
Tell them you aren't trying to make money, you are just the mr rogers of weed,its such a good feeling a very good feeling the feeling you know that were friends
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
He's hot....knda sweaty, drunk smells like feet....but he's hung like a whale....so in other words totally your type
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
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