we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
Weer fine. went to buiy cigxs, but hes theonly one waering shoes. He caem out wti chicke fingers instead. whatecer, there th 8 dollar kind.
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
Randomize
