Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
i just google imaged poop.
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
Randomize
