I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
i've lived in the woods for so long, as long as its post-op, i don't care.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
so does the 200 for rent and 150 for utilities include the never telling my boyfriend about the guys i bring home.. or is that extra?
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
Randomize
