took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
i've created a new STD.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
Randomize
