I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
Duck Duck Cougar?
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
And amler is totally snoring loud as fuck sitting on the steps with her feet in a puddle of soda puke
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
Randomize
