I love wearing low cut shirts cuz then when class gets boring, I can look down and admire my breasts.
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
Randomize
