I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
CHAZ BONO WILL BE ON THE NEXT SEASON OF DANCING WITH THE STARS.
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MY NEWS TRUMPS YOURS.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
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