: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
It's cool dude. The dank is in the form of premade smores with honey grahm crackers, marshmallow cream and 420 brand choc. bars. NV weed laws have nothing on me.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
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