I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
Does it really count as two different guys if they're brothers? I like to think of it as one and a half.
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
I just want uncharted vagina. Fresh and ripe.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
Randomize
