tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
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