You would DIE at the bar we're at right now. All indian/asian med students, I swear
Asian doctor ratio. So hot. I would've gone into heat
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
