I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
She has no definite jawline and all of her photo's have Ke$ha quotes as captions followed by a "<3" Even by your standards that is embarrassing.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
Randomize
