At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
YouTube is recomending me a video on how to make a home made meth bong, what has my life come to?
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
Randomize
