Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
Now that I'm 21, I feel like I'm letting North Dakota down by not being drunk everyday
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
If i theoretically had to put an iv back in what do I need to do?
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
You both sound like you need to get shit faced, fight it out, and have makeup sex.
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
Randomize
