Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
So nothing to worry about, but i'm probly going to jail soon, just thought i should let you know so you didn't worry. Bye!
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
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