i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
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St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
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Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
It's a little hazey but I think I tried to request Nelly last night. There was no dj. Not sure who I was talking to
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
I'm like a saiyan, every time I get trashed I come back stronger
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.