East Village: Only place you can play pac man while eating a pineapple hotdog, go to the bar next door and see a graphic blowjob on every tv
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
Smoked a Vape in the library status: completed
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Randomize
