Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
Randomize
