I just spent the night with a bunch of indian guys and i wasn't attracted to a single one. Yeah i've officially become an anti-indian indian.
My cat gives me a boner
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
