Whats up?
Drunk as a mother trucker with panties on her thumbnail..laying thee down
Stay up. I'm coming home in a little
Ill try..hurry!!!! Thine hour awaits you
what happened last night??
everyone saw ******'s vagina
and that's just the beginning
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Randomize
