Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
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