before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
i am craving dick and cupcakes
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
Randomize
