Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
im not picky. i just want someone whod go down on me while im writing my psych midterm paper. thats not a lot to ask.
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
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