I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
yea, their son has been arrested on more than one occassion, their daughter is pregnant and their other daughter graduated but she was adopted, so clearly genes are everything.
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
NoShamevember. You game?
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
Randomize
