he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
By connection do you mean me drunkenly grinding my ass on his lap for an extended period of time? If so, then yes, we had a "connection"
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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