ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
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and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
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You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
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