Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
Officially crunch time. It's my last year of grad school and I've yet to get blown in a school library. The parking garage was less than a block away though.
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
Randomize
