I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
Your sister thinks she pees out of her clit. Did you have Sex Ed or Sunday School growing up?
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
He keeps bees of course he's weird
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
Randomize
