I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
Randomize
