the night i cant remember will be the night i always remember thanks to my "i
He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
Randomize
