Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
Randomize
