Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
No.. It's totally over.. He deleted the poke I sent him.. That makes it official.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
Randomize
