i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
Randomize
