I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
i have rugburns grass stains and some road rash. im an all terrain slut
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
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