Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
Needless to say Beer Gardens severly frowns upon playing flip cups with real glasses.
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
this guy had a colored tattoo of Chucky on his leg, whatever drugs he does, i want them
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
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