he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
it will be a surprise...all I can say is stripper clown.
Randomize
