i've got a dick and you've got a pussy....what is the problem??
dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
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