im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
so far i wrote 500 words for a paper on sean paul performing we be burnin..i can officially do anything on adderral
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
Randomize
