is it considered a "problem" when you find a pickle slice in your bed in the morning or is it like a "super-awesome bonus"?
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
Randomize
