I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
the entire time we were hooking up i couldn't stop thinking about the bengals. thoughts?
I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
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