if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
