i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
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