I am puke
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
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