"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
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