even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
she was so hung over that i had to hold her hair while she puked in a trash can in the middle of the student center as new freshman and their parents walked by.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
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