I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
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Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
420 is off to a bad start. Mark wake/baked WAY too much, and he has spent over $50 on the claw machine in the grocery store.
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
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You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
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