I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
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