I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Randomize