Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
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