I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
im officially scared..,i finally realized who my boyfriend reminds me of! spencer pratt
i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
I asked about his 3 inch scar on his chest. It's from when he had to castrate a bull on the estancia. Apparently this is how good bull meat is made.
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
This may be a weird question to ask someone who is 21 years old, but are you grounded?
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
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