This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
no more heavy drinking durning the lady that cleans the office told me i have to emtpy my own thrash if i puke in it
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
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