I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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