the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
