I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Did you see Brett Michaels get knocked on his ass?
Hurt me personally.
Knocked his cowboy hat off... Bandanna was still good though
TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
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So. Camera broke because I tried to wash it under the sink, kristi had to take me home and I woke up to my computer showing me that I googled how t take more than one shot at a time. I'd say the night was a success.
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
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Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
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