she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
Randomize
