She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
he said he "kind of had sex before.. Barely" i think it was one of those situations where you slide into home and get tagged out.
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
Randomize
