I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
No like he has curves. I remember thinking he had a nicer body than me
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
I supernannyed him into submission
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
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