I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
he matches the description of mystery hookup #2, 4, and 7
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
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