i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
what day is it and did you see me today?
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
I've got to admit, I'm a little hesitant about giving him road head. I've seen how he drives and I've seen how he acts when I give him head. A small part of me is saying this is going to end badly.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Randomize
