hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
I booty called her while she was in labor.
They have a booking log online so i can just check that instead of call
Technology: making bailing your sister out easier since 2008
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
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